Part One

i once bought 'the complex infrastructure of the female mind' a book by Relient K on the different types of girls...this book is for girls which i didn't know at the time of purchase...but i read it and throughout the entire book i put footnotes...having recently gotten it back from a friend i reread it...and laughed at the commentary made by 19 year old me...2 years ago never seemed like long...but when i read it...it sounds like a completely different person...someone that's funnier then myself...lol...mostly cuz he still had the angst

so i decided to do the same with my blog...i have lots of spare time so i started at the beginning...and i laughed the entire way through...this sounds like a completely different person then myself...and i started to ask myself have i changed for the better or for the worse...have i been a positive influence on my friends or have i been a thorn...have i been able to better myself or have i gone too far off my path...it was easy going reading until i got to this past school year...not much was written but what was said still hurts...or is still a fresh wound...which by now should have gone...but i can't get past it

at the same time that i was writing in the relient k book i started the license plate game...you start by seeing 000 then 111 and so on and so forth...and a pattern started...000 started the game on the way to the ABC youth retreat that friends and i were playing music for...that weekend started the 'maybe i want to do this for the rest of my life thought'...111 i saw on the way to picking up flowers for a past girlfriend...222 i saw in a movie 20 mins before being broken up with...333 i saw this past august when i was coming to school...and a saw it as a year of oppurtunity...cuz it was the first car i saw off the plane...444 i saw my grad day...555 i saw a couple mins after a friend asked me what i wanted from CREW and i said all i want is to find out what i want...i'm not a believer in predestination...but this game has been around for a lot of key moments in my life...and maybe it's all just been coincidence...but when i saw the 555 yesterday i immediately thought back the when isaw the other ones...and ir reminds of how i got here

in my athletic high school days i was a believer in the 'suffer in silence' policy...your ankle hurts you finish out your shift...you have a cramp you push harder...i've continued that motto into a lot of aspects of my life...and i'm finding it a damaging aspect when it comes to relationships...and i find myself a hypocrite when i tell people that they don't have to hide from me i'll always be there for them...and ask them to tell me the hardships that are going on in their lives...when i wouldn't open up to them...to those people i'm sorry...for ever making you feel guilty for not talking to me...to those relationships i've had...i'm sorry i never told you what was going on in my head...you had every right to know...and it's because of that that i failed each and every one of you...you deserved better

here ends part one

song of the moment: what hurts the most by rascal flatts
quote of the day: how much life is wasted in waiting?-professor oxely

thank you come again
stay clean kids